A Dozen for You

Dear Littlest Son,

A Dozen, 12 years.  Happy 12th Birthday to you Karter!  

I’m going to dive right in.  Momma misses you so much.  Life has been extremely trying these last 7-10 months.  You know, you see it all.  There’s been many nights I swear I hear your voice but it’s always just a dream, unfortunately.  A lovely dream it it can be, though, my Son.  Momma has a few battles going on that aren’t the best but such is life.  All I can do is take things one day at a time.  Just know that each and every one of those days I love you so very much!  Happy birthday littlest Son.  

Dad is working hard as usual.  Only a few more years.  He’s doing great and striving for perfection in his career.  He loves and does his best to care for your Brothers and I.  He loves you lots.  Happy Birthday Son! 

Your Brothers as you know are young men basically.  Oldest Brother is off to college in a couple months.  You watch over Him, make sure he does great things as we think he will.  Middle Brother is so tall, I think he surpassed me.  You should give him dreams on how to become a basketball star.  He’s smart as a whip.  Just like Oldest Brother and I’m positive you are.  They love you.  I know they are so very curious, especially Middle Brother.   I answer all I can.  They love you lots.  Happy Birthday to you Karter!

All those candles you boys have on birthday cakes, wowie!  At least we’d get to start on your day and in 6 days Oldest Brother and 10 days after Middle Brother.  We’d throw the best of parties if you were here just one more time.  Happy 12th Birthday Karter!  

This year has been eventful I’ll say as much.  We are trying very patiently to sell our Kansas home as Dad’s work changed.  We all hated to say goodbye but it’s hopefully going to a wonderful set of folks who can fill it with as much love as we did.  Oldest Brother graduated from High School 6 months early, with honors.  He also got his first job.  Exciting times for Him.  Grandma and Grandpa H.  helped Momma drive to California, was a good thing to see the west. California, not our favorite.  I know you’ve seen and heard Momma’s language trying to drive on the ...well, anywhere.  We will get to the coast sooner than later I promise. Happy 12th Birthday Karter.  I love you.  We love you.

As you’re aware Grandma Lisa doesn’t have to read these letters anymore.  She gets to spend the day with you feeding you cake and ice cream.  I’m sure you are most spoiled Grandson in the Universe, possibly.  I’m glad you have her.  Tell her we send our love, that we miss her. I’m sure she’s excited to spend another birthday with you.  One here, one there.  We love you! Happy birthday son.

Karter, it’s once again that point where the tears I’ve held back are going to rain.  Oldest Brother and I have a flight this morning so we can get back to Dad and Middle Brother.  You’re always with me, you give me strength in the darkest moments, I love you baby boy.  I do wish you were here to celebrate your day with but once in a lifetime on your actual birth day will have to work. Happy Birthday Karter!  A thousand hugs for you! I love you, We love you.

Until next year, I’ll be listening for your voice in my dreams. 

Love Always,

Momma

A Decade of Strength

Dear sweet son Karter,

I'm really at a loss this year.  I'm swept up in a storm of emotions.  Should I be happy, sad... judging by the ever persistet tears I seem to sweeping off my face I guess it could be all emotions. As you likely know, Dad is on his way home once more!  In fact on your day it's kind of like a birthday celebration.  I shouldn't have a bit of saddness should I?

From your point of view I'm sure you've seen what Momma has gone through this year.  Lets just say I'm not getting any younger.  You've been with me every step of the way, I promise.  You gave me the gift of strength, a decade ago.  Real strength to persist past even the most foul of things.  I believe I have.  So, thank you once again Son.

It's really hard for me to write today, because all I want is to see you come barreling through our door after playing outside.  All I really want is to see you cuddle on the couch with Daisy.  All I really want is to hear a tantrum you'd throw over something you didn't want to do.  All I really want is to see you, as the ten year old Boy you've become today.

This is why the tears are falling.  No matter how much I hope and wish you aren't here with us, physically.  Maybe you're even screaming in my ear "Momma I'm right here don't cry..."  but I cannot hear because you aren't here, physically.  Heck, then again maybe those cries you let out a decade ago where just that "Momma I'm right here don't cry!"  Maybe that's why your voice echoes so much from time to time, within me.  And just now, as you as my witness I was able to stop crying.

Dear Karter, our now Ten year old son, thank you so much for that gift of strength.  Today is your birthday, son.  Ten tall candles on that birthday cake, double digits!  What would you wish for?  I can only imagine you'd want every set of legos ever made, 12 video games, and a drum set.  Would you get all of that, nah, but we'd do our best.  Your brothers would snag what they liked best and help you put the sets together, and then you guys could argue over who was second player in said video games.  That's easy enough to see, lol.  Dad and I would give you those parent hugs that you probably would be "too big" for, but Momma would hold you so tight and look into your blue eyes and tell you how much she loved you.  You'd squirm to get away--ten year olds don't do that.  ;) Happy Tenth Birthday Littlest Son, We Love You.

Here comes the part I dislike most, the end of this year's letter.  I love you son.  Thank you for giving me the strength that keeps me going when I want to stop.  I hope you're enjoying things from above and liking hanging out with this year's loved ones passed.  You keep a keen eye upon us and never be afraid to yell your loudest in my ear, when you think I need it most.  I'll hear you.  Thank you for AGAIN helping Dad home to Us.  We are anxious to go pick him up later.  However, don't worry the tears I'll be crying then are those of joy just to have him back to hold.   Thank you Littlest Son.  Happy Tenth Birthday!  I love you, we love you, and miss you so very much.

As Ever,
Momma

Nine, Nine Times

I cannot read the past years' letters to Karter, only write todays.  If I look too far back, I begin to devolve into a slobbery mess of tissues and tears.  Welcome, thank you for reading it means the world.


Dear Karter,

Happy 9th Birthday to You!  Nine times of birthday wishes.  Nine times of taking time out of my day to share You with the world.  You are worth every single word and so many more.  I love you.  We love you.

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Last night your Middle Brother and I noticed a large amount of lightning bugs a float in our back yard.  We haven't seen many here, until last night.  It was a whimsical time of prancing through the yard on the hunt for lightning bugs.  With mason jar in hand Middle Brother tried so very hard to make a catch.  The sun had set long before so we were going on the last few minutes of dusk.  We had fun.  One of those rare occurrences in life where he and I got to do something "outdoorsy" and succeed at it.  Our powers combined we caught one lightning bug!  It was so tiny.  Middle Brother sat and watched it in awe.  I watched him in awe.  Then outside I got real sad, really quick.  Why, and why now?

The answer was about as blunt as a dump truck slamming into another dump truck, head on, full speed.  Boom.

Karter, I just wished you were right there with Middle Brother attempting to catch those lightning bugs.  Running though the yard, giggling, not caring about the dark of night.  Maybe you were there.  I can only hope, even if we can't see you maybe that why we finally caught one.

I've looked up a couple things on lightning bugs.  They use their ability to flash to communicate with others and potential mates.  They have bioluminescence in their bodies, which they can light up at will.  How?  Well that part is thought to be due to oxygen.  Like breathing in or allowing it in some way.  This last line got me when I read it...

"No oxygen, no light..."

Queue those tears because mine are a flowing.  Your voice floods through my ears.  Your beautiful little nose, tiny little fingers and toes.  A kiss of both hello and goodbye.  I really wasn't hoping it'd be a kiss for both.  If I could've jumped off that operating table just to hold you longer, I would've.  Your voice was so crystal clear, for a tiny bit.  Yet like the lightning bug - no oxygen, no light.

If my magic wand were working you'd be here to help us find lightning bugs tonight.  I'd be making you a cake with the number 9 candle, serving your favorite ice cream, and dinner menu of your choice.  A few gifts.  A birthday celebration that we won't be having, tonight.  or ever.

My Dear Littlest Son, Karter, I love you.  We love you.  Watch us grow this year.  Keep Daddy safe as always.  Help your Big Brothers make good choices and put effort into the work they do.  If you can, help my body to stop revolting against itself.  I know you will be waiting, watching, maybe we are your lightning bugs... Maybe that's how you see us.  If so, that's ok by me because I know what you are seeing is beauty, love, serenity.

I truly dislike this conclusion part of the letter.  I love you Karter, We love you.  Everyday.  Forever.  Thanks for coming into our lives with a voice not forgotten.  Happy 9th Birthday.  One year to double digits.  I cannot believe how quickly time passes as we age.  No matter what, no matter how many birthdays I write to you, you are still that intensely voiced little human being who was just, plainly, too bad ass for this world.  So, until we meet again on that World of Bad Asses, I love you.  I love you.  I love you Karter.  We love you Karter.  Happy 9th Birthday!

Lightning Bug Article - If you feel like reading about them.

Great 8

Dearest Karter,

When I write "Great 8" in no way to I mean this is a Great event but definitely an event in our hearts.

Happy 8th Birthday Littlest Son!

The world was just to small of a place for you, you decided to exit upon entry.  Sounds like some space stuff.  Maybe the basis of the real life Interstellar.  Better get our watches on because I'd love to hear from you across space and time.  I'll wait my turn as I can still hear that big roaring voice of yours like it was yesterday.

My heart, our hearts, is always a bit heavier on this day.  Instead of planning a small birthday party I gather the courage to write you another letter.  Lucky you, I'd rather write than plan anything social.  How well you know your Momma.  ;)

Emoticons aside I wish to get to the celebrating you part.

Eight years.  Eight.  Years.  Tears well up in my eyes when I read that.  Eight years we've been apart. Eight years old you are today.  Eight years you've been gone.  Gone.  Eight years old.

No video games to be had.  No lego sets to search four different stores for.  No exclusive t-shirt with a famous game logo emblazoned upon it.  No gifts.  Instead, you my Son give us a gift every single year on your birthday.

Momma has said it before that strength is the gift you've given me, year in and year out.  The strength of a million oxen.  The strength of Hercules.  The strength to perceiver when sometimes it seems much easier to give in.  The strength to be Me and realize that despite it all I am able.  Strength to teach your Brothers life lessons.  The strength to make it through the times Dad is gone away on official business.

Just yesterday big Brother and I were discussing you.  He asked questions to which I answered as best as I could.

He asked "why did this happen to Karter?"

I replied with "it just did."

He then asked "are there others like him and did they survive?"

"Yes, but generally they need at least one if not two kidney transplants almost right out of the womb.  We didn't want to put him through that, we couldn't. "

"Why Mom?"

"Two reasons.  One, the reason his kidneys weren't developing on time was because there was little to no amniotic fluid.  We couldn't have a procedure done that would allow for more fluid, more lung development, because it was too risky for him and I.  Second, it takes years to get one kidney who knows how long it'd take to get two.  It would require a lot of pain and suffering for all of us. "

Your Brother then sort of nodded as if he understood the master plan.  Did he realize that I felt so sad yet so proud in that moment that I could both explain in an adult vernacular to him and FEEL every word I said to him.  Proud because he asked more adult questions.  I told him the odds of having what you did were very small.  Maybe a few hundred people in the world have it.  Funny that just earlier he was asking me about playing the lottery and the odds of winning it.  Maybe we already had.

A few long seconds passed, maybe minutes and he said to me "I just wish I was a big brother."

At this point I was unraveling on the inside.  I told him with great strength and no tears "Oh, but you are a big brother."  He sort of had a half smile.

Why on Earth am I including this?  You were probably right there.

Eight years old to your big Brother's nearly 9 to your even bigger Brother's nearly 15.  I love each of you equally and differently.  Thank you for gracing us with your short life.  Thanks for being a little Brother.  They grow by leaps and bounds every single day and I'm sure you are right there with them.   Eight years old, I wonder what your biggest wish for this year would be as you blew out the candles.

We love you.  We miss you.  We think of you randomly but maybe not so randomly.  Happy Birthday Littlest Son and Brother.  Momma, Dad, and your Brothers love you.  We miss you.  I didn't make it through this years letter tear free.  In fact, I really need a tissue.  As much as I do NOT want to leave you, do NOT want to stop writing to you, I must.  I will keep your memory until my days are over, until we meet again.

Until then Karter I love you, I miss you, you are always with me.  Happy 8th Birthday!

Love,

Momma

Lucky 7

Dear Sweet Karter,

Again I write as I promised I always would once yearly upon your day of entry to life and exit to the unknown.

As you can tell, we are in homeless once again.  Seems our tri-yearly, mandatory move always falls upon Your birthday or your Brothers' birthdays.  That's ok, Dad and I are trained professionals in the way of preparing for birthdays on the fly, Army moves, and other such fly by night/by the seat of your pants occasions.  We have landed gracefully upon Kansas soil.  Our temporary home (as you can see) is a historic flat, this building was the 1st EVER Fort Riley Post Exchange.  Many have passed through these doors, the old souls here have probably cried a few tears here as well not unlike your emotional Momma.

My lucky number has always been 7.  Dad and I were married on the 7th.  Kalvin was born in the 7th month.  Our last two address' have had two 7's in them.  Along with other random tid bits of 7 throughout my life.

Today is your 7th birthday, Happy Birthday Littlest Son!

Momma hopes beyond hope that this year, your 7th year, will bring us good fortune, good health, and good times.  I need you now more than ever, Karter.  I need you to give me that strength you blessed me with.  I need that strength to get through the gauntlet of health issues without giving up.  I love you Littlest Son but I don't want to leave behind Dad and your big brothers anytime soon.  As much as I'd like to be reunited with you, I'm very much so needed here.  Please return the strength you've given me to fight for my rights as a patient, as a woman, and as chronically ill person.  Thank you, Littlest Son.

Happy 7th Birthday, Karter!  We love you.

Dad is still doing a great job in the Army.  I may be a bit biased but that's because I love him.  His job has brought us here to Kansas, where we hope to settle for more than 3 years.  Your Brothers are well, happy, and tall as weeds.  I know you are with them always, helping protect them from the harsh ways of Earth.  I know you are with them when they build hide outs in the woods, when they throw every single Lego on the floor to sort through them to build the next holy grail, and when they sleep at night and have those not so nice dreams.   Thank you for keeping watch over Dad and Brothers.

Your 7th year, 7 years with you in our hearts.  We love and miss you.

This year has brought us loss and grief.  I take comfort in knowing you are there to usher in our family members to the afterlife.  I'm glad you finally get to meet them.  If you could, please relay these messages to them.  To Aunt Cindy, thank you for being a amazing role model as a strong woman, for showing me creativity is beautiful, and I love you.  To Grandma Lola, thank you for always being a ray of sunshine and full of love, every time I see a butterfly or cardinal I think of you.  Thank you and I love you.  To Grandpa Gradolph, thank you for spoiling me rotten in my early years, for taking me on my first plane ride, and for affording me the privilege of living in the Bahamas, I love you.  I learned a valuable lesson this year which was to always tell those you love how much they mean to you.  We never know when the last time will actually be the last.

I love you, Karter.  Happy Birthday.

With tears a streaming down my face, it's time to bid you adieu once again.  It's not really good bye but a pause until I think of you again.  Thank you Karter for gracing us with your short life.  Thank you Karter for giving me strength that I often forget I have.  Thank you Karter for giving me hope beyond what I can see.  Thank you Karter for being our Son, our Brother, our Grandson, our Nephew, our Cousin.  Thank you.  We love you and we miss you dearly.  I love you and miss you dearly.  I love you.  Until the 8th...

Love Always,
Momma