11, Eleven Years.

Dear Littlest Son Karter,

Happy Eleventh Birthday to You!  An angel you've been and will always be from now on in.  It's ok, Momma is impatiently waiting to meet up with you in my later years.  I envision us just running to each other maybe even knocking each other down when we finally get to that meeting point.  We'd pick each other up, and you'd be able to tell me all about the Universe and all I'd been missing out on.  Since that's a few years off, this is how I let you know I'm still here and always will be from here to eternity.

Happy 11th Birthday Karter!  We love you.

I haven't held a baby since I've held you that last time, I don't know if I'll ever be able to again.  It's a thought I often think about, so many people around us have or are going to have some beautiful babies and I just take a step back.  It's not their fault NOR yours.  I guess I meant it 11 years ago when I was thinking I didn't want to let you go.  Maybe you're forever swaddled in my arms, even at age 11 lol.

Happy Birthday to You!

Chocolate or Vanilla?  Your big brother Kalvin and your Uncle Trevor are the only two people I can think of who like vanilla over chocolate.  On this, I'm just going to say you'd like vanilla too.  Which is fine, I'd make you the loveliest vanilla/white cake I could and I'd lovingly place 11 candles upon it for you to blow out.  We'd likely have Neapolitan ice cream though, just to appease everyone.  Maybe we'd even have superhero themed plates, napkins, party hats, and balloons.  Whatever your preferences we'd make it happen.  It's a day of celebration, all about you, just like we try very much so for your brothers each year on their birthday's. Except... you aren't here.  The only gift I can truly give you is my love, my letter.  I love you Karter.  We love you!

Happy Birthday Dear Karter!

Life is moving along down here.  Momma is her usual in and out of the doctor's office self.  Maybe one day things will be figured out.  Daddy is working extremely hard, he does such a great job, I know you see this.  He misses and loves you just as much as Momma does.  Your Brothers are so big!    Your oldest brother is a Senior in high school now, he's working hard toward college please guide him to the best choices and see him through.  Your other brother is nearing 12 years old.  Crazy when I think of it sometimes, how close in age you guys are...I wonder if you'd be in the same grade as him?  He's well, he loves video games as I'm sure you know.  Many, no, probably every time your Brothers go outside to play with one another I always hope for a second or two you'd come racing in with them telling me all about the latest adventure.  You three young men are my strength, always will be.

Happy Birthday to You!

Momma will never forget you, your voice, your cries, the doctors working so hard to help you stay with us just one more minute, hour... Those sounds and images are still fresh upon my mind.  However, the best sound was your voice as the doc pulled you from my womb.  The best image was you're little face and giving you a tiny kiss.  Your little hands and precious hair.  Not to forget that nose just like Daddy's.  You were a precious gift then and will be for always.

I love you Karter.  We all love you littlest son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, friend...

Momma is now crying profusely and can barely see the screen, that's ok I know what I want to write even though it's extremely hard to.  The part where I'll always love you, I miss you, you've given me such strength in times of difficulty.  You are part of the light that keeps me grounded when all seems dark.  You are Our very own angel.  Our very own star out in that big bright Universe, shining down on us in the dark.  I love you so much Karter, I miss you so much.  I know you're always with me in my heart, I can still hear your little voice telling me "Momma, it's ok I'm right here..."

11, Eleven Years.

This might be a love song, but this rendition got me in the feels.  To you dear son..

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6YB9M8aB6b8&feature=youtu.be

Lucky 7

Dear Sweet Karter,

Again I write as I promised I always would once yearly upon your day of entry to life and exit to the unknown.

As you can tell, we are in homeless once again.  Seems our tri-yearly, mandatory move always falls upon Your birthday or your Brothers' birthdays.  That's ok, Dad and I are trained professionals in the way of preparing for birthdays on the fly, Army moves, and other such fly by night/by the seat of your pants occasions.  We have landed gracefully upon Kansas soil.  Our temporary home (as you can see) is a historic flat, this building was the 1st EVER Fort Riley Post Exchange.  Many have passed through these doors, the old souls here have probably cried a few tears here as well not unlike your emotional Momma.

My lucky number has always been 7.  Dad and I were married on the 7th.  Kalvin was born in the 7th month.  Our last two address' have had two 7's in them.  Along with other random tid bits of 7 throughout my life.

Today is your 7th birthday, Happy Birthday Littlest Son!

Momma hopes beyond hope that this year, your 7th year, will bring us good fortune, good health, and good times.  I need you now more than ever, Karter.  I need you to give me that strength you blessed me with.  I need that strength to get through the gauntlet of health issues without giving up.  I love you Littlest Son but I don't want to leave behind Dad and your big brothers anytime soon.  As much as I'd like to be reunited with you, I'm very much so needed here.  Please return the strength you've given me to fight for my rights as a patient, as a woman, and as chronically ill person.  Thank you, Littlest Son.

Happy 7th Birthday, Karter!  We love you.

Dad is still doing a great job in the Army.  I may be a bit biased but that's because I love him.  His job has brought us here to Kansas, where we hope to settle for more than 3 years.  Your Brothers are well, happy, and tall as weeds.  I know you are with them always, helping protect them from the harsh ways of Earth.  I know you are with them when they build hide outs in the woods, when they throw every single Lego on the floor to sort through them to build the next holy grail, and when they sleep at night and have those not so nice dreams.   Thank you for keeping watch over Dad and Brothers.

Your 7th year, 7 years with you in our hearts.  We love and miss you.

This year has brought us loss and grief.  I take comfort in knowing you are there to usher in our family members to the afterlife.  I'm glad you finally get to meet them.  If you could, please relay these messages to them.  To Aunt Cindy, thank you for being a amazing role model as a strong woman, for showing me creativity is beautiful, and I love you.  To Grandma Lola, thank you for always being a ray of sunshine and full of love, every time I see a butterfly or cardinal I think of you.  Thank you and I love you.  To Grandpa Gradolph, thank you for spoiling me rotten in my early years, for taking me on my first plane ride, and for affording me the privilege of living in the Bahamas, I love you.  I learned a valuable lesson this year which was to always tell those you love how much they mean to you.  We never know when the last time will actually be the last.

I love you, Karter.  Happy Birthday.

With tears a streaming down my face, it's time to bid you adieu once again.  It's not really good bye but a pause until I think of you again.  Thank you Karter for gracing us with your short life.  Thank you Karter for giving me strength that I often forget I have.  Thank you Karter for giving me hope beyond what I can see.  Thank you Karter for being our Son, our Brother, our Grandson, our Nephew, our Cousin.  Thank you.  We love you and we miss you dearly.  I love you and miss you dearly.  I love you.  Until the 8th...

Love Always,
Momma