Nine, Nine Times

I cannot read the past years' letters to Karter, only write todays.  If I look too far back, I begin to devolve into a slobbery mess of tissues and tears.  Welcome, thank you for reading it means the world.


Dear Karter,

Happy 9th Birthday to You!  Nine times of birthday wishes.  Nine times of taking time out of my day to share You with the world.  You are worth every single word and so many more.  I love you.  We love you.

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Last night your Middle Brother and I noticed a large amount of lightning bugs a float in our back yard.  We haven't seen many here, until last night.  It was a whimsical time of prancing through the yard on the hunt for lightning bugs.  With mason jar in hand Middle Brother tried so very hard to make a catch.  The sun had set long before so we were going on the last few minutes of dusk.  We had fun.  One of those rare occurrences in life where he and I got to do something "outdoorsy" and succeed at it.  Our powers combined we caught one lightning bug!  It was so tiny.  Middle Brother sat and watched it in awe.  I watched him in awe.  Then outside I got real sad, really quick.  Why, and why now?

The answer was about as blunt as a dump truck slamming into another dump truck, head on, full speed.  Boom.

Karter, I just wished you were right there with Middle Brother attempting to catch those lightning bugs.  Running though the yard, giggling, not caring about the dark of night.  Maybe you were there.  I can only hope, even if we can't see you maybe that why we finally caught one.

I've looked up a couple things on lightning bugs.  They use their ability to flash to communicate with others and potential mates.  They have bioluminescence in their bodies, which they can light up at will.  How?  Well that part is thought to be due to oxygen.  Like breathing in or allowing it in some way.  This last line got me when I read it...

"No oxygen, no light..."

Queue those tears because mine are a flowing.  Your voice floods through my ears.  Your beautiful little nose, tiny little fingers and toes.  A kiss of both hello and goodbye.  I really wasn't hoping it'd be a kiss for both.  If I could've jumped off that operating table just to hold you longer, I would've.  Your voice was so crystal clear, for a tiny bit.  Yet like the lightning bug - no oxygen, no light.

If my magic wand were working you'd be here to help us find lightning bugs tonight.  I'd be making you a cake with the number 9 candle, serving your favorite ice cream, and dinner menu of your choice.  A few gifts.  A birthday celebration that we won't be having, tonight.  or ever.

My Dear Littlest Son, Karter, I love you.  We love you.  Watch us grow this year.  Keep Daddy safe as always.  Help your Big Brothers make good choices and put effort into the work they do.  If you can, help my body to stop revolting against itself.  I know you will be waiting, watching, maybe we are your lightning bugs... Maybe that's how you see us.  If so, that's ok by me because I know what you are seeing is beauty, love, serenity.

I truly dislike this conclusion part of the letter.  I love you Karter, We love you.  Everyday.  Forever.  Thanks for coming into our lives with a voice not forgotten.  Happy 9th Birthday.  One year to double digits.  I cannot believe how quickly time passes as we age.  No matter what, no matter how many birthdays I write to you, you are still that intensely voiced little human being who was just, plainly, too bad ass for this world.  So, until we meet again on that World of Bad Asses, I love you.  I love you.  I love you Karter.  We love you Karter.  Happy 9th Birthday!

Lightning Bug Article - If you feel like reading about them.

Lucky 7

Dear Sweet Karter,

Again I write as I promised I always would once yearly upon your day of entry to life and exit to the unknown.

As you can tell, we are in homeless once again.  Seems our tri-yearly, mandatory move always falls upon Your birthday or your Brothers' birthdays.  That's ok, Dad and I are trained professionals in the way of preparing for birthdays on the fly, Army moves, and other such fly by night/by the seat of your pants occasions.  We have landed gracefully upon Kansas soil.  Our temporary home (as you can see) is a historic flat, this building was the 1st EVER Fort Riley Post Exchange.  Many have passed through these doors, the old souls here have probably cried a few tears here as well not unlike your emotional Momma.

My lucky number has always been 7.  Dad and I were married on the 7th.  Kalvin was born in the 7th month.  Our last two address' have had two 7's in them.  Along with other random tid bits of 7 throughout my life.

Today is your 7th birthday, Happy Birthday Littlest Son!

Momma hopes beyond hope that this year, your 7th year, will bring us good fortune, good health, and good times.  I need you now more than ever, Karter.  I need you to give me that strength you blessed me with.  I need that strength to get through the gauntlet of health issues without giving up.  I love you Littlest Son but I don't want to leave behind Dad and your big brothers anytime soon.  As much as I'd like to be reunited with you, I'm very much so needed here.  Please return the strength you've given me to fight for my rights as a patient, as a woman, and as chronically ill person.  Thank you, Littlest Son.

Happy 7th Birthday, Karter!  We love you.

Dad is still doing a great job in the Army.  I may be a bit biased but that's because I love him.  His job has brought us here to Kansas, where we hope to settle for more than 3 years.  Your Brothers are well, happy, and tall as weeds.  I know you are with them always, helping protect them from the harsh ways of Earth.  I know you are with them when they build hide outs in the woods, when they throw every single Lego on the floor to sort through them to build the next holy grail, and when they sleep at night and have those not so nice dreams.   Thank you for keeping watch over Dad and Brothers.

Your 7th year, 7 years with you in our hearts.  We love and miss you.

This year has brought us loss and grief.  I take comfort in knowing you are there to usher in our family members to the afterlife.  I'm glad you finally get to meet them.  If you could, please relay these messages to them.  To Aunt Cindy, thank you for being a amazing role model as a strong woman, for showing me creativity is beautiful, and I love you.  To Grandma Lola, thank you for always being a ray of sunshine and full of love, every time I see a butterfly or cardinal I think of you.  Thank you and I love you.  To Grandpa Gradolph, thank you for spoiling me rotten in my early years, for taking me on my first plane ride, and for affording me the privilege of living in the Bahamas, I love you.  I learned a valuable lesson this year which was to always tell those you love how much they mean to you.  We never know when the last time will actually be the last.

I love you, Karter.  Happy Birthday.

With tears a streaming down my face, it's time to bid you adieu once again.  It's not really good bye but a pause until I think of you again.  Thank you Karter for gracing us with your short life.  Thank you Karter for giving me strength that I often forget I have.  Thank you Karter for giving me hope beyond what I can see.  Thank you Karter for being our Son, our Brother, our Grandson, our Nephew, our Cousin.  Thank you.  We love you and we miss you dearly.  I love you and miss you dearly.  I love you.  Until the 8th...

Love Always,
Momma

Sixth

Dearest Karter,

My littlest son, it is again your birthday.  Your first and last 6th birthday to be exact.  I love and miss you so very much.  I know that you are being taken care by Judy, I know she's there with you today.  I believe she's playing with you as she did Momma and your  Uncles so long ago.  I'm sure you are celebrating with Lucy, Grandpas', and Grandmas' as well.  Don't worry, we would've made the biggest cake and had the best ice cream if you were here with us today.

I love and miss you.

Not a whole lot has changed since your last birthday.  We haven't moved, changed schools, or traveled very far.  Ok, maybe a bit has changed.  Your brothers are so TALL.  Momma needs to put bricks on their heads.  Dad and I think they are going to be very tall.  They are both so smart as I'm sure you would be too.  They obsess over video games but Momma does not  mind as long as their work is done.  Daddy is half the world away once more in our lives.  He's stayed safe, kept fairly busy, and is always talking to us.  I'm sure you are watching over him, thank you Karter.  We also have a new addition to our family her name is Daisy.  She's a beagle.  She is hyper as all get out but Momma loves her all the same.

We love and miss you.

Momma is doing ok.  I'm sure that you are watching over me as well.  Momma has been through a couple operations and diagnosed with a couple painful things.  I have done the best I can to just plain survive.  I'm still adjusting to this normal I must face.  Luckily, I was given a wonderful Son like you who has shown me how strong I can be.  Not everyday is perfect but I'm still living.  I doubt my strength sometimes,  then I remember that gift of strength you've given me.  Thank you Karter.

I love and miss you.

I thought about you from sun up until sundown and more.   I think about you everyday or am reminded of you.  Your Brothers talk about you often.  I think they think of you just as often.  Big Brother wishes you were here while Biggest Brother is away for the summer so he'd have someone to play with.  Well littlest son, it's that time.  The time I hate most and the time that brings tears to my eyes.  The time to tell you that I will talk to you next birthday.  Lucky number 7 next year.   I love you, we love you, keep watching over us.

Love you,

Momma