Dear Littlest Son Karter,
Happy Eleventh Birthday to You! An angel you've been and will always be from now on in. It's ok, Momma is impatiently waiting to meet up with you in my later years. I envision us just running to each other maybe even knocking each other down when we finally get to that meeting point. We'd pick each other up, and you'd be able to tell me all about the Universe and all I'd been missing out on. Since that's a few years off, this is how I let you know I'm still here and always will be from here to eternity.
Happy 11th Birthday Karter! We love you.
I haven't held a baby since I've held you that last time, I don't know if I'll ever be able to again. It's a thought I often think about, so many people around us have or are going to have some beautiful babies and I just take a step back. It's not their fault NOR yours. I guess I meant it 11 years ago when I was thinking I didn't want to let you go. Maybe you're forever swaddled in my arms, even at age 11 lol.
Happy Birthday to You!
Chocolate or Vanilla? Your big brother Kalvin and your Uncle Trevor are the only two people I can think of who like vanilla over chocolate. On this, I'm just going to say you'd like vanilla too. Which is fine, I'd make you the loveliest vanilla/white cake I could and I'd lovingly place 11 candles upon it for you to blow out. We'd likely have Neapolitan ice cream though, just to appease everyone. Maybe we'd even have superhero themed plates, napkins, party hats, and balloons. Whatever your preferences we'd make it happen. It's a day of celebration, all about you, just like we try very much so for your brothers each year on their birthday's. Except... you aren't here. The only gift I can truly give you is my love, my letter. I love you Karter. We love you!
Happy Birthday Dear Karter!
Life is moving along down here. Momma is her usual in and out of the doctor's office self. Maybe one day things will be figured out. Daddy is working extremely hard, he does such a great job, I know you see this. He misses and loves you just as much as Momma does. Your Brothers are so big! Your oldest brother is a Senior in high school now, he's working hard toward college please guide him to the best choices and see him through. Your other brother is nearing 12 years old. Crazy when I think of it sometimes, how close in age you guys are...I wonder if you'd be in the same grade as him? He's well, he loves video games as I'm sure you know. Many, no, probably every time your Brothers go outside to play with one another I always hope for a second or two you'd come racing in with them telling me all about the latest adventure. You three young men are my strength, always will be.
Happy Birthday to You!
Momma will never forget you, your voice, your cries, the doctors working so hard to help you stay with us just one more minute, hour... Those sounds and images are still fresh upon my mind. However, the best sound was your voice as the doc pulled you from my womb. The best image was you're little face and giving you a tiny kiss. Your little hands and precious hair. Not to forget that nose just like Daddy's. You were a precious gift then and will be for always.
I love you Karter. We all love you littlest son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, friend...
Momma is now crying profusely and can barely see the screen, that's ok I know what I want to write even though it's extremely hard to. The part where I'll always love you, I miss you, you've given me such strength in times of difficulty. You are part of the light that keeps me grounded when all seems dark. You are Our very own angel. Our very own star out in that big bright Universe, shining down on us in the dark. I love you so much Karter, I miss you so much. I know you're always with me in my heart, I can still hear your little voice telling me "Momma, it's ok I'm right here..."
11, Eleven Years.
This might be a love song, but this rendition got me in the feels. To you dear son..
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6YB9M8aB6b8&feature=youtu.be
Showing posts with label angel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angel. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
A Decade of Strength
Dear sweet son Karter,
I'm really at a loss this year. I'm swept up in a storm of emotions. Should I be happy, sad... judging by the ever persistet tears I seem to sweeping off my face I guess it could be all emotions. As you likely know, Dad is on his way home once more! In fact on your day it's kind of like a birthday celebration. I shouldn't have a bit of saddness should I?
From your point of view I'm sure you've seen what Momma has gone through this year. Lets just say I'm not getting any younger. You've been with me every step of the way, I promise. You gave me the gift of strength, a decade ago. Real strength to persist past even the most foul of things. I believe I have. So, thank you once again Son.
It's really hard for me to write today, because all I want is to see you come barreling through our door after playing outside. All I really want is to see you cuddle on the couch with Daisy. All I really want is to hear a tantrum you'd throw over something you didn't want to do. All I really want is to see you, as the ten year old Boy you've become today.
This is why the tears are falling. No matter how much I hope and wish you aren't here with us, physically. Maybe you're even screaming in my ear "Momma I'm right here don't cry..." but I cannot hear because you aren't here, physically. Heck, then again maybe those cries you let out a decade ago where just that "Momma I'm right here don't cry!" Maybe that's why your voice echoes so much from time to time, within me. And just now, as you as my witness I was able to stop crying.
Dear Karter, our now Ten year old son, thank you so much for that gift of strength. Today is your birthday, son. Ten tall candles on that birthday cake, double digits! What would you wish for? I can only imagine you'd want every set of legos ever made, 12 video games, and a drum set. Would you get all of that, nah, but we'd do our best. Your brothers would snag what they liked best and help you put the sets together, and then you guys could argue over who was second player in said video games. That's easy enough to see, lol. Dad and I would give you those parent hugs that you probably would be "too big" for, but Momma would hold you so tight and look into your blue eyes and tell you how much she loved you. You'd squirm to get away--ten year olds don't do that. ;) Happy Tenth Birthday Littlest Son, We Love You.
Here comes the part I dislike most, the end of this year's letter. I love you son. Thank you for giving me the strength that keeps me going when I want to stop. I hope you're enjoying things from above and liking hanging out with this year's loved ones passed. You keep a keen eye upon us and never be afraid to yell your loudest in my ear, when you think I need it most. I'll hear you. Thank you for AGAIN helping Dad home to Us. We are anxious to go pick him up later. However, don't worry the tears I'll be crying then are those of joy just to have him back to hold. Thank you Littlest Son. Happy Tenth Birthday! I love you, we love you, and miss you so very much.
As Ever,
Momma
I'm really at a loss this year. I'm swept up in a storm of emotions. Should I be happy, sad... judging by the ever persistet tears I seem to sweeping off my face I guess it could be all emotions. As you likely know, Dad is on his way home once more! In fact on your day it's kind of like a birthday celebration. I shouldn't have a bit of saddness should I?
From your point of view I'm sure you've seen what Momma has gone through this year. Lets just say I'm not getting any younger. You've been with me every step of the way, I promise. You gave me the gift of strength, a decade ago. Real strength to persist past even the most foul of things. I believe I have. So, thank you once again Son.
It's really hard for me to write today, because all I want is to see you come barreling through our door after playing outside. All I really want is to see you cuddle on the couch with Daisy. All I really want is to hear a tantrum you'd throw over something you didn't want to do. All I really want is to see you, as the ten year old Boy you've become today.
This is why the tears are falling. No matter how much I hope and wish you aren't here with us, physically. Maybe you're even screaming in my ear "Momma I'm right here don't cry..." but I cannot hear because you aren't here, physically. Heck, then again maybe those cries you let out a decade ago where just that "Momma I'm right here don't cry!" Maybe that's why your voice echoes so much from time to time, within me. And just now, as you as my witness I was able to stop crying.
Dear Karter, our now Ten year old son, thank you so much for that gift of strength. Today is your birthday, son. Ten tall candles on that birthday cake, double digits! What would you wish for? I can only imagine you'd want every set of legos ever made, 12 video games, and a drum set. Would you get all of that, nah, but we'd do our best. Your brothers would snag what they liked best and help you put the sets together, and then you guys could argue over who was second player in said video games. That's easy enough to see, lol. Dad and I would give you those parent hugs that you probably would be "too big" for, but Momma would hold you so tight and look into your blue eyes and tell you how much she loved you. You'd squirm to get away--ten year olds don't do that. ;) Happy Tenth Birthday Littlest Son, We Love You.
Here comes the part I dislike most, the end of this year's letter. I love you son. Thank you for giving me the strength that keeps me going when I want to stop. I hope you're enjoying things from above and liking hanging out with this year's loved ones passed. You keep a keen eye upon us and never be afraid to yell your loudest in my ear, when you think I need it most. I'll hear you. Thank you for AGAIN helping Dad home to Us. We are anxious to go pick him up later. However, don't worry the tears I'll be crying then are those of joy just to have him back to hold. Thank you Littlest Son. Happy Tenth Birthday! I love you, we love you, and miss you so very much.
As Ever,
Momma
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Great 8
Dearest Karter,
When I write "Great 8" in no way to I mean this is a Great event but definitely an event in our hearts.
Happy 8th Birthday Littlest Son!
The world was just to small of a place for you, you decided to exit upon entry. Sounds like some space stuff. Maybe the basis of the real life Interstellar. Better get our watches on because I'd love to hear from you across space and time. I'll wait my turn as I can still hear that big roaring voice of yours like it was yesterday.
My heart, our hearts, is always a bit heavier on this day. Instead of planning a small birthday party I gather the courage to write you another letter. Lucky you, I'd rather write than plan anything social. How well you know your Momma. ;)
Emoticons aside I wish to get to the celebrating you part.
Eight years. Eight. Years. Tears well up in my eyes when I read that. Eight years we've been apart. Eight years old you are today. Eight years you've been gone. Gone. Eight years old.
No video games to be had. No lego sets to search four different stores for. No exclusive t-shirt with a famous game logo emblazoned upon it. No gifts. Instead, you my Son give us a gift every single year on your birthday.
Momma has said it before that strength is the gift you've given me, year in and year out. The strength of a million oxen. The strength of Hercules. The strength to perceiver when sometimes it seems much easier to give in. The strength to be Me and realize that despite it all I am able. Strength to teach your Brothers life lessons. The strength to make it through the times Dad is gone away on official business.
Just yesterday big Brother and I were discussing you. He asked questions to which I answered as best as I could.
He asked "why did this happen to Karter?"
I replied with "it just did."
He then asked "are there others like him and did they survive?"
"Yes, but generally they need at least one if not two kidney transplants almost right out of the womb. We didn't want to put him through that, we couldn't. "
"Why Mom?"
"Two reasons. One, the reason his kidneys weren't developing on time was because there was little to no amniotic fluid. We couldn't have a procedure done that would allow for more fluid, more lung development, because it was too risky for him and I. Second, it takes years to get one kidney who knows how long it'd take to get two. It would require a lot of pain and suffering for all of us. "
Your Brother then sort of nodded as if he understood the master plan. Did he realize that I felt so sad yet so proud in that moment that I could both explain in an adult vernacular to him and FEEL every word I said to him. Proud because he asked more adult questions. I told him the odds of having what you did were very small. Maybe a few hundred people in the world have it. Funny that just earlier he was asking me about playing the lottery and the odds of winning it. Maybe we already had.
A few long seconds passed, maybe minutes and he said to me "I just wish I was a big brother."
At this point I was unraveling on the inside. I told him with great strength and no tears "Oh, but you are a big brother." He sort of had a half smile.
Why on Earth am I including this? You were probably right there.
Eight years old to your big Brother's nearly 9 to your even bigger Brother's nearly 15. I love each of you equally and differently. Thank you for gracing us with your short life. Thanks for being a little Brother. They grow by leaps and bounds every single day and I'm sure you are right there with them. Eight years old, I wonder what your biggest wish for this year would be as you blew out the candles.
We love you. We miss you. We think of you randomly but maybe not so randomly. Happy Birthday Littlest Son and Brother. Momma, Dad, and your Brothers love you. We miss you. I didn't make it through this years letter tear free. In fact, I really need a tissue. As much as I do NOT want to leave you, do NOT want to stop writing to you, I must. I will keep your memory until my days are over, until we meet again.
Until then Karter I love you, I miss you, you are always with me. Happy 8th Birthday!
Love,
Momma
When I write "Great 8" in no way to I mean this is a Great event but definitely an event in our hearts.
Happy 8th Birthday Littlest Son!
The world was just to small of a place for you, you decided to exit upon entry. Sounds like some space stuff. Maybe the basis of the real life Interstellar. Better get our watches on because I'd love to hear from you across space and time. I'll wait my turn as I can still hear that big roaring voice of yours like it was yesterday.
My heart, our hearts, is always a bit heavier on this day. Instead of planning a small birthday party I gather the courage to write you another letter. Lucky you, I'd rather write than plan anything social. How well you know your Momma. ;)
Emoticons aside I wish to get to the celebrating you part.
Eight years. Eight. Years. Tears well up in my eyes when I read that. Eight years we've been apart. Eight years old you are today. Eight years you've been gone. Gone. Eight years old.
No video games to be had. No lego sets to search four different stores for. No exclusive t-shirt with a famous game logo emblazoned upon it. No gifts. Instead, you my Son give us a gift every single year on your birthday.
Momma has said it before that strength is the gift you've given me, year in and year out. The strength of a million oxen. The strength of Hercules. The strength to perceiver when sometimes it seems much easier to give in. The strength to be Me and realize that despite it all I am able. Strength to teach your Brothers life lessons. The strength to make it through the times Dad is gone away on official business.
Just yesterday big Brother and I were discussing you. He asked questions to which I answered as best as I could.
He asked "why did this happen to Karter?"
I replied with "it just did."
He then asked "are there others like him and did they survive?"
"Yes, but generally they need at least one if not two kidney transplants almost right out of the womb. We didn't want to put him through that, we couldn't. "
"Why Mom?"
"Two reasons. One, the reason his kidneys weren't developing on time was because there was little to no amniotic fluid. We couldn't have a procedure done that would allow for more fluid, more lung development, because it was too risky for him and I. Second, it takes years to get one kidney who knows how long it'd take to get two. It would require a lot of pain and suffering for all of us. "
Your Brother then sort of nodded as if he understood the master plan. Did he realize that I felt so sad yet so proud in that moment that I could both explain in an adult vernacular to him and FEEL every word I said to him. Proud because he asked more adult questions. I told him the odds of having what you did were very small. Maybe a few hundred people in the world have it. Funny that just earlier he was asking me about playing the lottery and the odds of winning it. Maybe we already had.
A few long seconds passed, maybe minutes and he said to me "I just wish I was a big brother."
At this point I was unraveling on the inside. I told him with great strength and no tears "Oh, but you are a big brother." He sort of had a half smile.
Why on Earth am I including this? You were probably right there.
Eight years old to your big Brother's nearly 9 to your even bigger Brother's nearly 15. I love each of you equally and differently. Thank you for gracing us with your short life. Thanks for being a little Brother. They grow by leaps and bounds every single day and I'm sure you are right there with them. Eight years old, I wonder what your biggest wish for this year would be as you blew out the candles.
We love you. We miss you. We think of you randomly but maybe not so randomly. Happy Birthday Littlest Son and Brother. Momma, Dad, and your Brothers love you. We miss you. I didn't make it through this years letter tear free. In fact, I really need a tissue. As much as I do NOT want to leave you, do NOT want to stop writing to you, I must. I will keep your memory until my days are over, until we meet again.
Until then Karter I love you, I miss you, you are always with me. Happy 8th Birthday!
Love,
Momma
Friday, June 20, 2014
Lucky 7
Dear Sweet Karter,
Again I write as I promised I always would once yearly upon your day of entry to life and exit to the unknown.
As you can tell, we are in homeless once again. Seems our tri-yearly, mandatory move always falls upon Your birthday or your Brothers' birthdays. That's ok, Dad and I are trained professionals in the way of preparing for birthdays on the fly, Army moves, and other such fly by night/by the seat of your pants occasions. We have landed gracefully upon Kansas soil. Our temporary home (as you can see) is a historic flat, this building was the 1st EVER Fort Riley Post Exchange. Many have passed through these doors, the old souls here have probably cried a few tears here as well not unlike your emotional Momma.
My lucky number has always been 7. Dad and I were married on the 7th. Kalvin was born in the 7th month. Our last two address' have had two 7's in them. Along with other random tid bits of 7 throughout my life.
Today is your 7th birthday, Happy Birthday Littlest Son!
Momma hopes beyond hope that this year, your 7th year, will bring us good fortune, good health, and good times. I need you now more than ever, Karter. I need you to give me that strength you blessed me with. I need that strength to get through the gauntlet of health issues without giving up. I love you Littlest Son but I don't want to leave behind Dad and your big brothers anytime soon. As much as I'd like to be reunited with you, I'm very much so needed here. Please return the strength you've given me to fight for my rights as a patient, as a woman, and as chronically ill person. Thank you, Littlest Son.
Happy 7th Birthday, Karter! We love you.
Dad is still doing a great job in the Army. I may be a bit biased but that's because I love him. His job has brought us here to Kansas, where we hope to settle for more than 3 years. Your Brothers are well, happy, and tall as weeds. I know you are with them always, helping protect them from the harsh ways of Earth. I know you are with them when they build hide outs in the woods, when they throw every single Lego on the floor to sort through them to build the next holy grail, and when they sleep at night and have those not so nice dreams. Thank you for keeping watch over Dad and Brothers.
Your 7th year, 7 years with you in our hearts. We love and miss you.
This year has brought us loss and grief. I take comfort in knowing you are there to usher in our family members to the afterlife. I'm glad you finally get to meet them. If you could, please relay these messages to them. To Aunt Cindy, thank you for being a amazing role model as a strong woman, for showing me creativity is beautiful, and I love you. To Grandma Lola, thank you for always being a ray of sunshine and full of love, every time I see a butterfly or cardinal I think of you. Thank you and I love you. To Grandpa Gradolph, thank you for spoiling me rotten in my early years, for taking me on my first plane ride, and for affording me the privilege of living in the Bahamas, I love you. I learned a valuable lesson this year which was to always tell those you love how much they mean to you. We never know when the last time will actually be the last.
I love you, Karter. Happy Birthday.
With tears a streaming down my face, it's time to bid you adieu once again. It's not really good bye but a pause until I think of you again. Thank you Karter for gracing us with your short life. Thank you Karter for giving me strength that I often forget I have. Thank you Karter for giving me hope beyond what I can see. Thank you Karter for being our Son, our Brother, our Grandson, our Nephew, our Cousin. Thank you. We love you and we miss you dearly. I love you and miss you dearly. I love you. Until the 8th...
Love Always,
Momma
Again I write as I promised I always would once yearly upon your day of entry to life and exit to the unknown.
As you can tell, we are in homeless once again. Seems our tri-yearly, mandatory move always falls upon Your birthday or your Brothers' birthdays. That's ok, Dad and I are trained professionals in the way of preparing for birthdays on the fly, Army moves, and other such fly by night/by the seat of your pants occasions. We have landed gracefully upon Kansas soil. Our temporary home (as you can see) is a historic flat, this building was the 1st EVER Fort Riley Post Exchange. Many have passed through these doors, the old souls here have probably cried a few tears here as well not unlike your emotional Momma.
My lucky number has always been 7. Dad and I were married on the 7th. Kalvin was born in the 7th month. Our last two address' have had two 7's in them. Along with other random tid bits of 7 throughout my life.
Today is your 7th birthday, Happy Birthday Littlest Son!
Momma hopes beyond hope that this year, your 7th year, will bring us good fortune, good health, and good times. I need you now more than ever, Karter. I need you to give me that strength you blessed me with. I need that strength to get through the gauntlet of health issues without giving up. I love you Littlest Son but I don't want to leave behind Dad and your big brothers anytime soon. As much as I'd like to be reunited with you, I'm very much so needed here. Please return the strength you've given me to fight for my rights as a patient, as a woman, and as chronically ill person. Thank you, Littlest Son.
Happy 7th Birthday, Karter! We love you.
Your 7th year, 7 years with you in our hearts. We love and miss you.
This year has brought us loss and grief. I take comfort in knowing you are there to usher in our family members to the afterlife. I'm glad you finally get to meet them. If you could, please relay these messages to them. To Aunt Cindy, thank you for being a amazing role model as a strong woman, for showing me creativity is beautiful, and I love you. To Grandma Lola, thank you for always being a ray of sunshine and full of love, every time I see a butterfly or cardinal I think of you. Thank you and I love you. To Grandpa Gradolph, thank you for spoiling me rotten in my early years, for taking me on my first plane ride, and for affording me the privilege of living in the Bahamas, I love you. I learned a valuable lesson this year which was to always tell those you love how much they mean to you. We never know when the last time will actually be the last.
I love you, Karter. Happy Birthday.
Love Always,
Momma
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