Wednesday, June 20, 2018

11, Eleven Years.

Dear Littlest Son Karter,

Happy Eleventh Birthday to You!  An angel you've been and will always be from now on in.  It's ok, Momma is impatiently waiting to meet up with you in my later years.  I envision us just running to each other maybe even knocking each other down when we finally get to that meeting point.  We'd pick each other up, and you'd be able to tell me all about the Universe and all I'd been missing out on.  Since that's a few years off, this is how I let you know I'm still here and always will be from here to eternity.

Happy 11th Birthday Karter!  We love you.

I haven't held a baby since I've held you that last time, I don't know if I'll ever be able to again.  It's a thought I often think about, so many people around us have or are going to have some beautiful babies and I just take a step back.  It's not their fault NOR yours.  I guess I meant it 11 years ago when I was thinking I didn't want to let you go.  Maybe you're forever swaddled in my arms, even at age 11 lol.

Happy Birthday to You!

Chocolate or Vanilla?  Your big brother Kalvin and your Uncle Trevor are the only two people I can think of who like vanilla over chocolate.  On this, I'm just going to say you'd like vanilla too.  Which is fine, I'd make you the loveliest vanilla/white cake I could and I'd lovingly place 11 candles upon it for you to blow out.  We'd likely have Neapolitan ice cream though, just to appease everyone.  Maybe we'd even have superhero themed plates, napkins, party hats, and balloons.  Whatever your preferences we'd make it happen.  It's a day of celebration, all about you, just like we try very much so for your brothers each year on their birthday's. Except... you aren't here.  The only gift I can truly give you is my love, my letter.  I love you Karter.  We love you!

Happy Birthday Dear Karter!

Life is moving along down here.  Momma is her usual in and out of the doctor's office self.  Maybe one day things will be figured out.  Daddy is working extremely hard, he does such a great job, I know you see this.  He misses and loves you just as much as Momma does.  Your Brothers are so big!    Your oldest brother is a Senior in high school now, he's working hard toward college please guide him to the best choices and see him through.  Your other brother is nearing 12 years old.  Crazy when I think of it sometimes, how close in age you guys are...I wonder if you'd be in the same grade as him?  He's well, he loves video games as I'm sure you know.  Many, no, probably every time your Brothers go outside to play with one another I always hope for a second or two you'd come racing in with them telling me all about the latest adventure.  You three young men are my strength, always will be.

Happy Birthday to You!

Momma will never forget you, your voice, your cries, the doctors working so hard to help you stay with us just one more minute, hour... Those sounds and images are still fresh upon my mind.  However, the best sound was your voice as the doc pulled you from my womb.  The best image was you're little face and giving you a tiny kiss.  Your little hands and precious hair.  Not to forget that nose just like Daddy's.  You were a precious gift then and will be for always.

I love you Karter.  We all love you littlest son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, friend...

Momma is now crying profusely and can barely see the screen, that's ok I know what I want to write even though it's extremely hard to.  The part where I'll always love you, I miss you, you've given me such strength in times of difficulty.  You are part of the light that keeps me grounded when all seems dark.  You are Our very own angel.  Our very own star out in that big bright Universe, shining down on us in the dark.  I love you so much Karter, I miss you so much.  I know you're always with me in my heart, I can still hear your little voice telling me "Momma, it's ok I'm right here..."

11, Eleven Years.

This might be a love song, but this rendition got me in the feels.  To you dear son..

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6YB9M8aB6b8&feature=youtu.be

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

A Decade of Strength

Dear sweet son Karter,

I'm really at a loss this year.  I'm swept up in a storm of emotions.  Should I be happy, sad... judging by the ever persistet tears I seem to sweeping off my face I guess it could be all emotions. As you likely know, Dad is on his way home once more!  In fact on your day it's kind of like a birthday celebration.  I shouldn't have a bit of saddness should I?

From your point of view I'm sure you've seen what Momma has gone through this year.  Lets just say I'm not getting any younger.  You've been with me every step of the way, I promise.  You gave me the gift of strength, a decade ago.  Real strength to persist past even the most foul of things.  I believe I have.  So, thank you once again Son.

It's really hard for me to write today, because all I want is to see you come barreling through our door after playing outside.  All I really want is to see you cuddle on the couch with Daisy.  All I really want is to hear a tantrum you'd throw over something you didn't want to do.  All I really want is to see you, as the ten year old Boy you've become today.

This is why the tears are falling.  No matter how much I hope and wish you aren't here with us, physically.  Maybe you're even screaming in my ear "Momma I'm right here don't cry..."  but I cannot hear because you aren't here, physically.  Heck, then again maybe those cries you let out a decade ago where just that "Momma I'm right here don't cry!"  Maybe that's why your voice echoes so much from time to time, within me.  And just now, as you as my witness I was able to stop crying.

Dear Karter, our now Ten year old son, thank you so much for that gift of strength.  Today is your birthday, son.  Ten tall candles on that birthday cake, double digits!  What would you wish for?  I can only imagine you'd want every set of legos ever made, 12 video games, and a drum set.  Would you get all of that, nah, but we'd do our best.  Your brothers would snag what they liked best and help you put the sets together, and then you guys could argue over who was second player in said video games.  That's easy enough to see, lol.  Dad and I would give you those parent hugs that you probably would be "too big" for, but Momma would hold you so tight and look into your blue eyes and tell you how much she loved you.  You'd squirm to get away--ten year olds don't do that.  ;) Happy Tenth Birthday Littlest Son, We Love You.

Here comes the part I dislike most, the end of this year's letter.  I love you son.  Thank you for giving me the strength that keeps me going when I want to stop.  I hope you're enjoying things from above and liking hanging out with this year's loved ones passed.  You keep a keen eye upon us and never be afraid to yell your loudest in my ear, when you think I need it most.  I'll hear you.  Thank you for AGAIN helping Dad home to Us.  We are anxious to go pick him up later.  However, don't worry the tears I'll be crying then are those of joy just to have him back to hold.   Thank you Littlest Son.  Happy Tenth Birthday!  I love you, we love you, and miss you so very much.

As Ever,
Momma