A Dozen for You

Dear Littlest Son,

A Dozen, 12 years.  Happy 12th Birthday to you Karter!  

I’m going to dive right in.  Momma misses you so much.  Life has been extremely trying these last 7-10 months.  You know, you see it all.  There’s been many nights I swear I hear your voice but it’s always just a dream, unfortunately.  A lovely dream it it can be, though, my Son.  Momma has a few battles going on that aren’t the best but such is life.  All I can do is take things one day at a time.  Just know that each and every one of those days I love you so very much!  Happy birthday littlest Son.  

Dad is working hard as usual.  Only a few more years.  He’s doing great and striving for perfection in his career.  He loves and does his best to care for your Brothers and I.  He loves you lots.  Happy Birthday Son! 

Your Brothers as you know are young men basically.  Oldest Brother is off to college in a couple months.  You watch over Him, make sure he does great things as we think he will.  Middle Brother is so tall, I think he surpassed me.  You should give him dreams on how to become a basketball star.  He’s smart as a whip.  Just like Oldest Brother and I’m positive you are.  They love you.  I know they are so very curious, especially Middle Brother.   I answer all I can.  They love you lots.  Happy Birthday to you Karter!

All those candles you boys have on birthday cakes, wowie!  At least we’d get to start on your day and in 6 days Oldest Brother and 10 days after Middle Brother.  We’d throw the best of parties if you were here just one more time.  Happy 12th Birthday Karter!  

This year has been eventful I’ll say as much.  We are trying very patiently to sell our Kansas home as Dad’s work changed.  We all hated to say goodbye but it’s hopefully going to a wonderful set of folks who can fill it with as much love as we did.  Oldest Brother graduated from High School 6 months early, with honors.  He also got his first job.  Exciting times for Him.  Grandma and Grandpa H.  helped Momma drive to California, was a good thing to see the west. California, not our favorite.  I know you’ve seen and heard Momma’s language trying to drive on the ...well, anywhere.  We will get to the coast sooner than later I promise. Happy 12th Birthday Karter.  I love you.  We love you.

As you’re aware Grandma Lisa doesn’t have to read these letters anymore.  She gets to spend the day with you feeding you cake and ice cream.  I’m sure you are most spoiled Grandson in the Universe, possibly.  I’m glad you have her.  Tell her we send our love, that we miss her. I’m sure she’s excited to spend another birthday with you.  One here, one there.  We love you! Happy birthday son.

Karter, it’s once again that point where the tears I’ve held back are going to rain.  Oldest Brother and I have a flight this morning so we can get back to Dad and Middle Brother.  You’re always with me, you give me strength in the darkest moments, I love you baby boy.  I do wish you were here to celebrate your day with but once in a lifetime on your actual birth day will have to work. Happy Birthday Karter!  A thousand hugs for you! I love you, We love you.

Until next year, I’ll be listening for your voice in my dreams. 

Love Always,

Momma

Nine, Nine Times

I cannot read the past years' letters to Karter, only write todays.  If I look too far back, I begin to devolve into a slobbery mess of tissues and tears.  Welcome, thank you for reading it means the world.


Dear Karter,

Happy 9th Birthday to You!  Nine times of birthday wishes.  Nine times of taking time out of my day to share You with the world.  You are worth every single word and so many more.  I love you.  We love you.

Add caption

Last night your Middle Brother and I noticed a large amount of lightning bugs a float in our back yard.  We haven't seen many here, until last night.  It was a whimsical time of prancing through the yard on the hunt for lightning bugs.  With mason jar in hand Middle Brother tried so very hard to make a catch.  The sun had set long before so we were going on the last few minutes of dusk.  We had fun.  One of those rare occurrences in life where he and I got to do something "outdoorsy" and succeed at it.  Our powers combined we caught one lightning bug!  It was so tiny.  Middle Brother sat and watched it in awe.  I watched him in awe.  Then outside I got real sad, really quick.  Why, and why now?

The answer was about as blunt as a dump truck slamming into another dump truck, head on, full speed.  Boom.

Karter, I just wished you were right there with Middle Brother attempting to catch those lightning bugs.  Running though the yard, giggling, not caring about the dark of night.  Maybe you were there.  I can only hope, even if we can't see you maybe that why we finally caught one.

I've looked up a couple things on lightning bugs.  They use their ability to flash to communicate with others and potential mates.  They have bioluminescence in their bodies, which they can light up at will.  How?  Well that part is thought to be due to oxygen.  Like breathing in or allowing it in some way.  This last line got me when I read it...

"No oxygen, no light..."

Queue those tears because mine are a flowing.  Your voice floods through my ears.  Your beautiful little nose, tiny little fingers and toes.  A kiss of both hello and goodbye.  I really wasn't hoping it'd be a kiss for both.  If I could've jumped off that operating table just to hold you longer, I would've.  Your voice was so crystal clear, for a tiny bit.  Yet like the lightning bug - no oxygen, no light.

If my magic wand were working you'd be here to help us find lightning bugs tonight.  I'd be making you a cake with the number 9 candle, serving your favorite ice cream, and dinner menu of your choice.  A few gifts.  A birthday celebration that we won't be having, tonight.  or ever.

My Dear Littlest Son, Karter, I love you.  We love you.  Watch us grow this year.  Keep Daddy safe as always.  Help your Big Brothers make good choices and put effort into the work they do.  If you can, help my body to stop revolting against itself.  I know you will be waiting, watching, maybe we are your lightning bugs... Maybe that's how you see us.  If so, that's ok by me because I know what you are seeing is beauty, love, serenity.

I truly dislike this conclusion part of the letter.  I love you Karter, We love you.  Everyday.  Forever.  Thanks for coming into our lives with a voice not forgotten.  Happy 9th Birthday.  One year to double digits.  I cannot believe how quickly time passes as we age.  No matter what, no matter how many birthdays I write to you, you are still that intensely voiced little human being who was just, plainly, too bad ass for this world.  So, until we meet again on that World of Bad Asses, I love you.  I love you.  I love you Karter.  We love you Karter.  Happy 9th Birthday!

Lightning Bug Article - If you feel like reading about them.