A Dozen for You

Dear Littlest Son,

A Dozen, 12 years.  Happy 12th Birthday to you Karter!  

I’m going to dive right in.  Momma misses you so much.  Life has been extremely trying these last 7-10 months.  You know, you see it all.  There’s been many nights I swear I hear your voice but it’s always just a dream, unfortunately.  A lovely dream it it can be, though, my Son.  Momma has a few battles going on that aren’t the best but such is life.  All I can do is take things one day at a time.  Just know that each and every one of those days I love you so very much!  Happy birthday littlest Son.  

Dad is working hard as usual.  Only a few more years.  He’s doing great and striving for perfection in his career.  He loves and does his best to care for your Brothers and I.  He loves you lots.  Happy Birthday Son! 

Your Brothers as you know are young men basically.  Oldest Brother is off to college in a couple months.  You watch over Him, make sure he does great things as we think he will.  Middle Brother is so tall, I think he surpassed me.  You should give him dreams on how to become a basketball star.  He’s smart as a whip.  Just like Oldest Brother and I’m positive you are.  They love you.  I know they are so very curious, especially Middle Brother.   I answer all I can.  They love you lots.  Happy Birthday to you Karter!

All those candles you boys have on birthday cakes, wowie!  At least we’d get to start on your day and in 6 days Oldest Brother and 10 days after Middle Brother.  We’d throw the best of parties if you were here just one more time.  Happy 12th Birthday Karter!  

This year has been eventful I’ll say as much.  We are trying very patiently to sell our Kansas home as Dad’s work changed.  We all hated to say goodbye but it’s hopefully going to a wonderful set of folks who can fill it with as much love as we did.  Oldest Brother graduated from High School 6 months early, with honors.  He also got his first job.  Exciting times for Him.  Grandma and Grandpa H.  helped Momma drive to California, was a good thing to see the west. California, not our favorite.  I know you’ve seen and heard Momma’s language trying to drive on the ...well, anywhere.  We will get to the coast sooner than later I promise. Happy 12th Birthday Karter.  I love you.  We love you.

As you’re aware Grandma Lisa doesn’t have to read these letters anymore.  She gets to spend the day with you feeding you cake and ice cream.  I’m sure you are most spoiled Grandson in the Universe, possibly.  I’m glad you have her.  Tell her we send our love, that we miss her. I’m sure she’s excited to spend another birthday with you.  One here, one there.  We love you! Happy birthday son.

Karter, it’s once again that point where the tears I’ve held back are going to rain.  Oldest Brother and I have a flight this morning so we can get back to Dad and Middle Brother.  You’re always with me, you give me strength in the darkest moments, I love you baby boy.  I do wish you were here to celebrate your day with but once in a lifetime on your actual birth day will have to work. Happy Birthday Karter!  A thousand hugs for you! I love you, We love you.

Until next year, I’ll be listening for your voice in my dreams. 

Love Always,

Momma

A Decade of Strength

Dear sweet son Karter,

I'm really at a loss this year.  I'm swept up in a storm of emotions.  Should I be happy, sad... judging by the ever persistet tears I seem to sweeping off my face I guess it could be all emotions. As you likely know, Dad is on his way home once more!  In fact on your day it's kind of like a birthday celebration.  I shouldn't have a bit of saddness should I?

From your point of view I'm sure you've seen what Momma has gone through this year.  Lets just say I'm not getting any younger.  You've been with me every step of the way, I promise.  You gave me the gift of strength, a decade ago.  Real strength to persist past even the most foul of things.  I believe I have.  So, thank you once again Son.

It's really hard for me to write today, because all I want is to see you come barreling through our door after playing outside.  All I really want is to see you cuddle on the couch with Daisy.  All I really want is to hear a tantrum you'd throw over something you didn't want to do.  All I really want is to see you, as the ten year old Boy you've become today.

This is why the tears are falling.  No matter how much I hope and wish you aren't here with us, physically.  Maybe you're even screaming in my ear "Momma I'm right here don't cry..."  but I cannot hear because you aren't here, physically.  Heck, then again maybe those cries you let out a decade ago where just that "Momma I'm right here don't cry!"  Maybe that's why your voice echoes so much from time to time, within me.  And just now, as you as my witness I was able to stop crying.

Dear Karter, our now Ten year old son, thank you so much for that gift of strength.  Today is your birthday, son.  Ten tall candles on that birthday cake, double digits!  What would you wish for?  I can only imagine you'd want every set of legos ever made, 12 video games, and a drum set.  Would you get all of that, nah, but we'd do our best.  Your brothers would snag what they liked best and help you put the sets together, and then you guys could argue over who was second player in said video games.  That's easy enough to see, lol.  Dad and I would give you those parent hugs that you probably would be "too big" for, but Momma would hold you so tight and look into your blue eyes and tell you how much she loved you.  You'd squirm to get away--ten year olds don't do that.  ;) Happy Tenth Birthday Littlest Son, We Love You.

Here comes the part I dislike most, the end of this year's letter.  I love you son.  Thank you for giving me the strength that keeps me going when I want to stop.  I hope you're enjoying things from above and liking hanging out with this year's loved ones passed.  You keep a keen eye upon us and never be afraid to yell your loudest in my ear, when you think I need it most.  I'll hear you.  Thank you for AGAIN helping Dad home to Us.  We are anxious to go pick him up later.  However, don't worry the tears I'll be crying then are those of joy just to have him back to hold.   Thank you Littlest Son.  Happy Tenth Birthday!  I love you, we love you, and miss you so very much.

As Ever,
Momma