A Dozen for You

Dear Littlest Son,

A Dozen, 12 years.  Happy 12th Birthday to you Karter!  

I’m going to dive right in.  Momma misses you so much.  Life has been extremely trying these last 7-10 months.  You know, you see it all.  There’s been many nights I swear I hear your voice but it’s always just a dream, unfortunately.  A lovely dream it it can be, though, my Son.  Momma has a few battles going on that aren’t the best but such is life.  All I can do is take things one day at a time.  Just know that each and every one of those days I love you so very much!  Happy birthday littlest Son.  

Dad is working hard as usual.  Only a few more years.  He’s doing great and striving for perfection in his career.  He loves and does his best to care for your Brothers and I.  He loves you lots.  Happy Birthday Son! 

Your Brothers as you know are young men basically.  Oldest Brother is off to college in a couple months.  You watch over Him, make sure he does great things as we think he will.  Middle Brother is so tall, I think he surpassed me.  You should give him dreams on how to become a basketball star.  He’s smart as a whip.  Just like Oldest Brother and I’m positive you are.  They love you.  I know they are so very curious, especially Middle Brother.   I answer all I can.  They love you lots.  Happy Birthday to you Karter!

All those candles you boys have on birthday cakes, wowie!  At least we’d get to start on your day and in 6 days Oldest Brother and 10 days after Middle Brother.  We’d throw the best of parties if you were here just one more time.  Happy 12th Birthday Karter!  

This year has been eventful I’ll say as much.  We are trying very patiently to sell our Kansas home as Dad’s work changed.  We all hated to say goodbye but it’s hopefully going to a wonderful set of folks who can fill it with as much love as we did.  Oldest Brother graduated from High School 6 months early, with honors.  He also got his first job.  Exciting times for Him.  Grandma and Grandpa H.  helped Momma drive to California, was a good thing to see the west. California, not our favorite.  I know you’ve seen and heard Momma’s language trying to drive on the ...well, anywhere.  We will get to the coast sooner than later I promise. Happy 12th Birthday Karter.  I love you.  We love you.

As you’re aware Grandma Lisa doesn’t have to read these letters anymore.  She gets to spend the day with you feeding you cake and ice cream.  I’m sure you are most spoiled Grandson in the Universe, possibly.  I’m glad you have her.  Tell her we send our love, that we miss her. I’m sure she’s excited to spend another birthday with you.  One here, one there.  We love you! Happy birthday son.

Karter, it’s once again that point where the tears I’ve held back are going to rain.  Oldest Brother and I have a flight this morning so we can get back to Dad and Middle Brother.  You’re always with me, you give me strength in the darkest moments, I love you baby boy.  I do wish you were here to celebrate your day with but once in a lifetime on your actual birth day will have to work. Happy Birthday Karter!  A thousand hugs for you! I love you, We love you.

Until next year, I’ll be listening for your voice in my dreams. 

Love Always,

Momma

11, Eleven Years.

Dear Littlest Son Karter,

Happy Eleventh Birthday to You!  An angel you've been and will always be from now on in.  It's ok, Momma is impatiently waiting to meet up with you in my later years.  I envision us just running to each other maybe even knocking each other down when we finally get to that meeting point.  We'd pick each other up, and you'd be able to tell me all about the Universe and all I'd been missing out on.  Since that's a few years off, this is how I let you know I'm still here and always will be from here to eternity.

Happy 11th Birthday Karter!  We love you.

I haven't held a baby since I've held you that last time, I don't know if I'll ever be able to again.  It's a thought I often think about, so many people around us have or are going to have some beautiful babies and I just take a step back.  It's not their fault NOR yours.  I guess I meant it 11 years ago when I was thinking I didn't want to let you go.  Maybe you're forever swaddled in my arms, even at age 11 lol.

Happy Birthday to You!

Chocolate or Vanilla?  Your big brother Kalvin and your Uncle Trevor are the only two people I can think of who like vanilla over chocolate.  On this, I'm just going to say you'd like vanilla too.  Which is fine, I'd make you the loveliest vanilla/white cake I could and I'd lovingly place 11 candles upon it for you to blow out.  We'd likely have Neapolitan ice cream though, just to appease everyone.  Maybe we'd even have superhero themed plates, napkins, party hats, and balloons.  Whatever your preferences we'd make it happen.  It's a day of celebration, all about you, just like we try very much so for your brothers each year on their birthday's. Except... you aren't here.  The only gift I can truly give you is my love, my letter.  I love you Karter.  We love you!

Happy Birthday Dear Karter!

Life is moving along down here.  Momma is her usual in and out of the doctor's office self.  Maybe one day things will be figured out.  Daddy is working extremely hard, he does such a great job, I know you see this.  He misses and loves you just as much as Momma does.  Your Brothers are so big!    Your oldest brother is a Senior in high school now, he's working hard toward college please guide him to the best choices and see him through.  Your other brother is nearing 12 years old.  Crazy when I think of it sometimes, how close in age you guys are...I wonder if you'd be in the same grade as him?  He's well, he loves video games as I'm sure you know.  Many, no, probably every time your Brothers go outside to play with one another I always hope for a second or two you'd come racing in with them telling me all about the latest adventure.  You three young men are my strength, always will be.

Happy Birthday to You!

Momma will never forget you, your voice, your cries, the doctors working so hard to help you stay with us just one more minute, hour... Those sounds and images are still fresh upon my mind.  However, the best sound was your voice as the doc pulled you from my womb.  The best image was you're little face and giving you a tiny kiss.  Your little hands and precious hair.  Not to forget that nose just like Daddy's.  You were a precious gift then and will be for always.

I love you Karter.  We all love you littlest son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, friend...

Momma is now crying profusely and can barely see the screen, that's ok I know what I want to write even though it's extremely hard to.  The part where I'll always love you, I miss you, you've given me such strength in times of difficulty.  You are part of the light that keeps me grounded when all seems dark.  You are Our very own angel.  Our very own star out in that big bright Universe, shining down on us in the dark.  I love you so much Karter, I miss you so much.  I know you're always with me in my heart, I can still hear your little voice telling me "Momma, it's ok I'm right here..."

11, Eleven Years.

This might be a love song, but this rendition got me in the feels.  To you dear son..

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6YB9M8aB6b8&feature=youtu.be