Monday, May 7, 2012

Protecting Crops at the Mart

My husband is insisting I share our recent crop dusting story. Do you know what crop dusting is? Not the actual plane flying over crops crop dusting...the OTHER one.

We were the local grocery mart, remarking how empty it was. This was a blessing because shopping at the mart with two boys and the husband gets a little hairy. Not to mention the usual idiots who sit there in front of the item you want to grab, talking about their day. Well the usual asshatary was avoided on said day at the mart.

While on the most important aisle to the boys, the cereal aisle, an older woman was in a rush to get by us. We gladly moved aside since we hate those asses who stand right in front of you. No big deal. We neared the end of the aisle when suddenly..."OMG WHO SHIT THEIR PANTS." We turned to the youngest as he's the most likely culprit. He had the ol' it wasn't me face on. I know for a fact it wasn't me, the husband says no, so does the other boy. While we're sitting there blaming each other, staring each other down, my husband and I realize we have been dun dun dun....CROP DUSTED by a senior citizen.

The stench reeked, my gag reflex was showing its horns. The boys were giggling up a storm. The husband still in disbelief that that nice old lady would do such a thing.

This makes me wonder if this is a common practice among my elders. Will it be so that when I am fully gray I'll be able to shit my pants through the aisles as I shop? Will I be able to void my bowels and blame it on unsuspecting families? Oh, this makes aging so much more enticing. I can't wait to let the secret out to the masses that yes...women fart. My boys will be so proud.

Needless to say, we attempted to make eye contact with said lady near the produce department. She didn't oblige. In fact, it seemed she was in even more of a hurry. Eh, maybe it was just a bad day and she had the sharts from her veggie laden lunch. Either way hats off to Elderly Crop Dusting Lady, thanks for the laugh. Not so many thanks for the smell of your anus.

For those of you who still don't understand the crop dusting concept, found at Passing gas in a stealth manor, usually while walking through a crowd or a group, so that someone else gets blamed for the stench, or at the very least people besides the assailent must suffer it. ex: The restaurant's so busy tonight that you can get away with crop dusting your own section

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