Thursday, May 17, 2012

Parking at The Mart

Earlier in the week I was able to go grocery shopping without the entire family shuffling through the mart. Believe me when I say I was overjoyed to do this on my own. Not hearing the whining, I wants, and oh my back hurts was such a treat. Me being able to look at everything I wanted without being rushed, every Mom’s dream. Joyously I left the house and headed to town to the mart, happy as a clam.

I pulled into the mart and picked the usual aisle to park. Oh what’s this a parking spot fairly close? I pull in like a pro and WTF do my eyes behold? A rogue shopping cart. I’m sure it wheeled itself strategically as to not let me park without scratching the car. Ok, no big deal right? I park without scratching the bejesus out of my glorified grocery getter. I didn’t want some asshole dinging and scratching the shit out of my vehicle so I took the cart into the mart.

The kicker here is that the cart corral was one parking space away from mine. Some lazy god damn asshole couldn’t take it upon themselves to walk 20 feet to the corral. This pisses me off, to no end. Also, in case you were wondering, I was not crop dusted at this visit to the mart. It was a good shopping experience and I wasn’t a lazy effer and put the cart into the cart corral as parking lot etiquette would surely dictate.

There are a couple other parking lot fouls I’d like to share. These too piss me off. If you are guilty, please take note. I’d hate to have to rush up on you all Larry David like.

Who’s Larry David and what in the heck are you talking about? Take a gander at this gem.



Parking over the line. Pig parking. ASSHOLES. Surely, there’s been a time or two I may have parked over the line. I have learned over the years to park in the lines, it only takes a minute to back up and try again folks.

I’ve climbed over the center console of my vehicle more than I care to admit thanks to parking jack holes. My car(s) have been dinged up in every kind of parking lot known to man. My husband has even parked extremely close to people on purpose because they were over the line onto another parking spot. “That’ll teach em” he says when I’m saying “pull the hell over they are going to devastate my door!” I need to get me a pad of infraction papers from youparklikeanasshole.com.




Then we have the parking spot stealer, total ass hats who prey on the good guy parker. Imagine circling the mall with a small child wailing in the back “MOMMY I HAVE TO PEE.” Not a parking spot in sight for 47 miles when suddenly a spot close to the door opens up and no one else is in sight. YES! Thank ye Gods! Then a super bitch drives up in her sweet little bitch car and pulls right into the parking spot you had been waiting for. Did that ass wipe not see the turn signal on?! I’ve been there, I’ve called people a plethora of foul names, and given the finger. I’d just love to go Kathy Bates on their asses like in Fried Green Tomatoes. TAWANDA! Ram and re ram the little bitch car over and over...then casually drive away. PS. This is where I first uttered the “C word” out of anger.



So, if you happen to to be the person who left that cart in the parking space, next time push it over to the cart corral. It’s not THAT far. If you are the person parking over the line, back it up and try again. If you are the parking spot stealer, I hope someone shits on your car. Lastly, if you have a ginormous truck, SUV, or other gas guzzling powerhouse DO NOT park in the spaces labeled FUEL EFFICIENT VEHICLE or EV.  My guess is if you are parking in those spots with a large gas hog you’ll have enough money to get your car out of impound a tow truck is called.

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